I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
