My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
