i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
