If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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