i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
