someone owes me an orgasm
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
