last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
