I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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