the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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