I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
