I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
