Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
