I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
