dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I deserve this hangover.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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