I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
