Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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