I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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