she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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