Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
