How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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