i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
