I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
