you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
