Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
