woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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