Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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