Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
