nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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