The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is my gift to your gina
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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