Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found the puke drawer
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
