Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
