i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
