Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
