a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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