You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
