in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
