You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
