Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
