I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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