Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
