I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
