I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
