I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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