I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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