You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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