He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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