can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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