my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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