I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
