i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
